How to Lose a Guy…Forever

Raymond Bechard discusses the trend of current relationships and the top 15 reasons why they just won’t work out.

I was talking to a guy installing carpet in a friend’s home the other day. For some reason, he asked my advice on whether or not he should have a surprise birthday party for his girlfriend. “She’s hitting the big 4-0, so I don’t know if she wants to celebrate it or ignore it,” he said. That made sense, some people would rather not draw attention to birthdays ending in zeros. So I asked him a simple question, “Is she a positive person? You know, does she usually look on the bright side of things?”

His face immediately lit up as he reached for his phone. “Take a look at her face and you’ll know.” He held up the phone with the beaming photo of his girlfriend, who looked no more than 27, tops. As he showed me her picture, he said the five best words I have ever heard to describe a relationship that is working – at least from a man’s perspective, “She makes every day better.”

It doesn’t get any simpler than that. I’ve heard men talk about relationships and girlfriends, what they like and don’t like, what they want and don’t want, what drives them nuts, and even what hurts them. But, I’ve never heard it put better than those five words.
“She makes every day better.” In all honesty, that is what every man wants. If he is fortunate enough to find a lady who understands that concept and loves him enough to stand by him – as he does with her – to make every day better, then he should move heaven and earth to spend the rest of his life with her and prove himself worthy.
It’s too bad though. That kind of love doesn’t seem to be in vogue these days. Today, relationships seem to have evolved into some kind of adversarial competition where every action or inaction is tallied in an unending scorecard leading to the eventual defeat – or death – of the relationship itself. It’s no longer fashionable to look at romantic relationships as something precious, a beautiful organism that must be cherished if it is to thrive – or even survive – long term.
It’s futile to fight this powerful trend. So ladies, in order to stay current here are some guaranteed tips for losing a guy forever. By the way, these can be used by men as well, but that’s another article for another day.

#1 – Don’t learn what emotional intimacy is.
Forget what psychologist Malini Shah says, “Emotional intimacy is a feeling of close personal association and belonging. It’s a familiar connect formed through shared knowledge of each other and experience.” That would mean taking the time to find a man with whom you can build trust and be yourself. Worst of all it would mean not just accepting him for who he is, but celebrating who he is.
#2 – Don’t respect him.
Even if he deserves your respect, do not, under any circumstances show him the kind of respect you want and need. Don’t value him. Don’t listen. Don’t consider his priorities or concerns. Make sure he feels your life would be much better if he weren’t in it. On the other hand, if he truly doesn’t deserve your respect, leave him. Leave him now. And if he doesn’t respect you then he doesn’t deserve yours. Again, leave.
#3 – Don’t like him.
Sure, you love him, but do you like him? Never forget he’s probably closer to you than anyone else in his life so it’s your responsibility to make sure he doesn’t get out of line. If you want to make sure he’s unhappy and dwindling away inside, show him you don’t like him.
#4 – Complain about him.
Believe it or not (and lots of men will get mad at me for revealing this to you) most of us look to the women in our lives, or the woman closest to us, to determine how we feel about ourselves. Make sure he knows you are keeping score against him by openly expecting him to screw up. Tell all your friends what a loser he is and never, ever genuinely praise him.
#5 – Judge him.
If you want him to stop being open and honest, or if you just want him to start hiding things from you, make sure you judge him negatively every chance you get. If you can’t find anything negative that is even remotely valid, just make something up. Do anything to keep him on the defensive. Remember, every day brings new opportunities to find new faults in him.
#6 – Don’t trust him.
He’s a guy – don’t trust him – no matter how trustworthy, honest, reliable or loyal he actually proves himself to be. Of course, if he truly can’t or shouldn’t be trusted, leave the jerk. No excuses. You will never have emotional intimacy if there is no chance of mutual trust.
#7 – Blame him.
If you’re divorced, blame him. If your last boyfriend treated you badly, blame him. If you’re children aren’t behaving, blame him. Take all your anger, frustration, fears and insecurities and place them squarely on the doorstep of his life. Whatever negative feelings or experiences you are having, he should be punished for it.
#8 – Stay angry.
He’s a guy. He must have done something wrong. Even if you don’t know what it is, it still pisses you off. You don’t need to know exactly when or what he did whatever it is, he definitely did it. Save time and get angry now. Then, stay angry . . . because there’s no end to the ways he’s messed up with . . . something.
#9 – Don’t be reliable.
Make sure he knows that you are not there for him no matter how badly he may need you. That way he will know never to rely on you for anything. If you are the one person he wants to call when something really bad, or really good, happens don’t be available or interested.
#10 – Don’t get help.
You’ve been through a lot, a lot of pain, a lot that isn’t fair, a lot of horrible stuff that has wounded you. Sometimes you feel broken. Whatever you do, don’t try to effectively heal your wounds in any way. Don’t go to therapy. Don’t apply what you’ve learned in self-help books. Don’t explore faith our spirituality. Don’t ever look back at the injustices done to you or the wrong choices you’ve made and deal with them. Do whatever you can to simply mask the pain or push it down.
#11 – Don’t take responsibility.
Never apologize. Never ever admit that something you have done may have hurt him. Just live as though you are incapable of hurting him, no matter how badly you do. Don’t forget, this relationship is about you and healing your pain. His is irrelevant.
#12 – Don’t take him seriously.
You are the only one who has a right to emotions, troubles, challenges, and heartache. If he exhibits any of these it just means he is weak. You don’t have time to deal with your problems and his. He’s there for you, after all. Not the other way around.
#13 – Don’t support him.
Leave him alone, isolated, and adrift. He’s a man and should be able to handle whatever comes his way by himself. You don’t have time for a man who needs your help. If he needs support, an ally, an advocate, or you as a true friend – maybe even his best friend – then he’s not worth it.
#14 – Don’t forgive him.
Okay, he will eventually screw up for real. We all do. When he does make a mistake use it to validate all the terrible things you’ve been thinking and saying about him. Forgiving him will only teach him that he can just get away with it again. Instead, identify him by his mistakes. And being constantly told what a terrible man he is will certainly make him a better one.
#15 – Don’t learn anything.
After the relationship ends – and if you follow these guidelines, it will – don’t take away anything from it. Simply lay the blame openly on him and move forward into your next relationship by doing exactly the same thing.
However, if you are not someone who follows the latest trends then just do the opposite of all this. Find a man who wants to make your every day better and do the same for him

5 sexiest out-of-bed moves to try

Romantically speaking, when it comes to heating things up, most people think of heading straight to the bedroom. While this makes sense for certain activities, that doesn’t mean you two should be acting chaste as monks outside the boudoir. With a little creativity, seduction and sensuality can happen at any point in your day, whether you’re strolling hand-in-hand down the street or kicking back in front of the TV together. Don’t believe me? See how these couples below managed to turn up the temperature without removing one article of clothing (or at least not until it was more appropriate to do so).

Partial public displays of affection
Pretty much all couples have engaged in some public displays of affection — but what’s even hotter are PDAs that are slightly hidden. Just ask Jess, 29, from Brooklyn, NY: “I had this one boyfriend who would squeeze my thigh under the table whenever we were out to dinner with my friends or relatives,” she says. “It always turned me on — in fact, sometimes I’d have to kick him pretty hard to get him to stop.” What makes semi-PDAs so arousing? Perhaps because it’s a secret only you two are aware of— and a test for your sweetie to maintain his or her composure.
Hand-holding gets hot
Lots of couples hold each other’s hands... but is it a turn-on? Probably not the way most people do it, but that can easily change. The next time you two are at a movie or watching TV with your digits entwined, up the intensity by treating your partner’s mitts to a mini-massage. Brian, 27 from Miami, FL, is one such lucky guy. “Sometimes my girlfriend will massage my hand — palms, fingers and all,” he says. “It feels so good because that part of the body does the most work but is usually neglected. You never realize how sensitive your hands can be until someone actually takes the time to give them a little massage.”

Walk this way
We kid you not, even the way you walk together can be a sensual experience. Laura, 31, from New York, NY, explains how she and her fiancé keep things hot while they’re hoofing it: “When we walk somewhere, occasionally we enhance our experience for a few minutes by ‘hug-walking,’” she says. “Imagine a three-legged race where every body part moves in unison with your partner. Usually, he walks behind me with his arms around me and his face next to mine, over my shoulder with occasional neck kisses. It’s super-cozy, and it feels like we’re the same person!”

Feeling as if you lack enough coordination for that move? Then try this simple, yet sexy, stroll-enhancer from Gretchen, 26, from Memphis, TN. “While I’m walking down the street with my boyfriend, rather than putting my arm around his waist, I like to put my hand in his back pocket,” she says. “Not only is it simply easier to hang on, but I get to squeeze his butt whenever I feel like it! It’s almost like making a sexy move in secret.”

Music-free dance moves
In the mood for a little romance that’ll lead who knows where? Try grabbing your honey for a three-second slow dance; you don’t even need music, and you don’t need to be at a dance club. Jody, 27, of Las Vegas, NV, finds it to be the ultimate turn-on: “Sometimes my boyfriend Dan will raise his arms toward me — kind of out of the blue — and we’ll just embrace and dance slowly for a minute or two. I love it.”

Take a breath together
Sometimes when it comes to seduction, less is more — and that’s exactly why the subtle sensation of your breath against your sweetie’s skin will feel sublime. Adam, 31, from Raleigh, NC, explains how to do it: “I come up behind my girlfriend when she’s doing something mundane like working on the computer or doing housework, and put my arms around her and just breathe on her neck for several seconds. Breath is warm and moist and can be very arousing. It’s sort of like I’m teasing her because I’m about to kiss her, but I’m just breathing instead.”

Sari Locker is a sex educator, TV personality, and author of the bestseller, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex. She has an M.S. in Sexuality Education and was the host of Late Date with Sari on Lifetime Television. Her website is www.sarilocker.com.

Confessions: 7 reasons why women cheat

You’ve probably heard that men cheat for physical reasons, women for emotional reasons. Sure, there’s some truth to that, but when we asked real women around the country to share why they strayed from their boyfriends, we learned they had a whole host of explanations — from bad kissing to sheer revenge. Read on for the truth about why women have given in to temptation.

Reason #1: There’s no passion
“I had been with John for about three years — he was a really nice guy, and I enjoyed being with him, but there wasn’t a ton of passion. Most everyone we knew had gotten engaged, and though John would have proposed in a second, whenever he brought it up, I’d change the subject. I took a trip to Australia for work and while I was gone, I got together with a coworker to whom I’d always been insanely attracted. I had a fantastic trip, probably because for the first time in a long time I experienced that excitement I’d been missing. I broke up with John soon after I returned home and began dating the guy from the trip. Even though I’m not super-proud of my actions, things ended up for the best: after dating for a few years, the guy from the trip and I got married and we’re incredibly happy together.”
– Giselle, 30, Montvale, NJ
Reason #2: To delay a breakup
“Right before I was going to break up with my ex, Sean, he found out that he had to put his beloved dog to sleep. He was so broken up about it that I didn’t have the heart to end things, so I waited a month or so until he was in better shape. When things seemed to be better and I was ready, he lost his job, so I felt like I was back to square one! By that time I had met someone else that I really wanted to start seeing, so I went ahead and did it. I eventually ended things, never telling Sean about my extracurricular dating. I think I rationalized that I was trying to spare his feelings.”
– Stacy, 30, Lexington, KY

Reason #3: Because absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder
“My boyfriend Greg and I decided to do the long-distance thing after I was accepted to a graduate program 200 miles from where we lived. The first few months were fine, but I soon found myself becoming extremely attracted to my lab partner, Henry. What began as innocent flirting eventually wound up with us getting physical. After the program was over, I returned home to Greg. Being with him was really difficult, but I didn’t break up with him initially because I was still attracted to him, too. I visited Henry a few times and realized that he was really more of a fling, probably done out of boredom, and that Greg was the one for me. I eventually stopped communicating with Henry. I never told Greg about what happened, which occasionally makes me feel guilty, but I chalk my cheating up to being young and silly. He and I are still together, four years after my program ended.”
– Tamara, 33, Portland, OR

Reason #4: To avoid being left out in the cold
“I began dating Eric shortly after I had been dumped by Dave, my boyfriend of two years. I was devastated and Eric was definitely a rebound thing. After Eric and I had dated for five months, Dave came back and wanted to give things another shot. I still really missed him, so I began seeing him, but never ended things with Eric. I think I sort of kept Eric around for insurance purposes, just in case things didn’t end up well with Dave. Dave and I didn’t make it on round two, and after Eric discovered through mutual friends that I had been seeing him again, he ended things with me. I definitely learned my lesson about dating two guys at the same time, not to mention trying to rekindle a relationship that’s just plain over.”
– Jen, 28, Oak Park, IL

Reason #5: To make a break from a bad relationship
“When I was younger, I dated a guy named Ethan who was really critical of me. He constantly made little snide comments about my weight, how stupid I was and how clumsy I was. For whatever odd reason, I was into him, despite the fact that all of my friends and family hated him. One weekend when he was away, I met Will at a party and we completely hit it off. He was the complete opposite of Ethan — kind, sweet and generous, yet completely cool and fun, too. We hung out all weekend and it was like a light bulb went off in my head: This is how mature, relationship-worthy guys act. I kissed Will the night before he left and broke up with Ethan soon after. Will and I dated for three years and now we’re married.”
– Allison, 30, New York, NY

Reason #6: To find that missing piece
“I’m from Florida, so I adore going to the beach and boating, but my former boyfriend, Chris, a total city boy, hated it. We always argued about where we’d take trips, and he always won. About eight months into our relationship, I took a trip to Key West with my friends and we chartered a boat for the day. The captain of the boat was this totally hot, complete ‘beach guy for life’ type, and I spent the whole day flirting with him. We met him out that night and spent time alone together. I never told Chris about it after I got home and I never felt guilty; I think part of me felt like that’s what Chris got for being so stubborn! Chris and I didn’t make it, and after we broke up, I made sure any future boyfriends loved the beach!”
– Lizzie, 32, Chicago, IL

Reason #7: To give him a taste of his own medicine
“My last boyfriend was a total player before we got together. I thought I could change him but I was wrong. I always heard rumors that he was seeing other girls while we were dating, but he always denied it. One night, I got a call from a girl he had been secretly dating, and she detailed their three-month-long relationship to me and told me about another girl she had discovered he was seeing as well. I was so mad that I went out with my friends that night, dressed to kill, and spent time with the most attractive guy; I felt like it was the least he deserved! I loved seeing the look on his face when I told him about what I did and that I knew about the other girls. And then I dumped him!”
– Ashante, 25, College Park, GA

The Truth About Sex During Marriage

Yes, sometimes sex stops after marriage, but studies show that marriage often means that you’re going to have more sex and a higher quality of life. Who knew?

Guess what? Married couples do have sex. No–it’s not perfect. Sometimes sex stops after marriage or you’re one of the millions of Americans in sexless marriages. But overall–marriage often means you’re going to have more sex and an overall higher quality of life (including more money) than being single. The myth that every marriage is sexless is completely false and continues to dissuade couples against marriage. Which is totally OK. It’s the relationship that counts. But we mustn’t forget that married couples are just like those in long-term relationships. Couples shouldn’t be persuaded that long term relationships equal boredom! Amazing sexual relationships are possible. Taking apart the myths surrounding the sex of married couples, GetLusty’s Lynn Olejniczak reports on the truths of sex during marriage.

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Stop me if you heard this one: The most common sexual position among married couples is doggy-style. The husband begs while the wife rolls over and plays dead. Ah, jokes about bad sex during marriage.
If you haven’t heard that one, there are hundreds of jokes just like it out there. The theme is the same; once you’re married your sex life goes into automatic pilot. Add kids and it comes to a screeching halt. Comics, sitcoms, books, movies have all followed this misconception. Yes! I said misconception. But it is a hard stereotype to fight, like a Polish joke.
Hell, I’m Polish and even I know the jokes don’t work with a Swede or an Australian. I’ve also been married and I know I enjoyed an active sex life for as long as the marriage lasted. But truth is stranger than fiction, and married people are getting it on.
Quite often, better than their single friends. Take the obvious into consideration, proximity. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out if one happens to share a home (and a bed) with someone they are attracted to then sex will probably take place. More often than not, people are married to each other for a reason which includes sexual attraction. Therefore, sex will, and does happen more often for married folk.

In 2010, Indiana University’s Center for Sexual Health Promotion concluded their extensive research on sex. Nearly 6,000 people from age 14 to 94 were surveyed on sexual attitudes and activity. When asked if they had sex in the last year, 61% of singles said no compared to only 18% of married people. Narrowing the field, 25% of married people between the ages of 25 and 59 reported they were having sex two-to-three times a week as opposed to less than 5% of singles in the same age bracket.
According to the well respected Kinsey Institute, stats from men and women show the same optimism for married/coupled sex. Check out the data for partnered and marriage men versus single men reporting about vaginal intercourse. Married and partnered people experience sex 2-3 times weekly. Singles? They’re between between 10 and 40% less likely to have sex 2-3 times weekly. Numbers don’t lie.
Most married people with kids will tell you that though sexual time with their partner may post a challenge, they still rise to the occasion (no pun intended, well, maybe). Stealing a quickie while the twins are at soccer practice or doing it in the basement while searching for the Christmas decorations is not far-fetched. Maybe the all-night-swinging-from-the-ceiling-candles-rubber-sheet-honey-and-blindfold sex no longer fits into the schedule but sex is happening. Furthermore, more oral sex is happening among hitched couples. Shock! Horror!
I can tell you from personal experience that if I wanted my ex-husband to finish the laundry for me, run an errand I didn’t have time for, or have dinner with friends of mine he hated, the easiest was to get my desired result was to offer up a blowjob. I happen to know a married couple with kids who play Scrabble a few times a week. Winner is awarded their sexual favor of choice. You see, it isn’t as though married sex isn’t happening; it is just that it is happening differently.
Think back to the mating date of being ‘single’ but ‘dating’. Now, remember it for what it really was. Deciding a person was “worthy,” being disappointed when you thought they were but they really weren’t, threatening celibacy if you have “one more date like that again.” Then, you were attracted to someone who wasn’t into you. You chased someone and wasted your time over someone who wasn’t into you. You then settled for someone just because you didn’t want to be single over the holidays. OK, it wasn’t always that bad. But we are all guilty of one or six of those situations.
Sex in marriage requires effort. But so does a successful marriage. That’s why married people put that effort in – including reading GetLusty for Couples’ great advice. Being married to the same person for years means you know everything about them. Good and annoying. The last venue of thrill has to be the bedroom, closet,  car or laundry room. When you sign on to marriage you know that. When you add kids you realize something else; you have to be creative to get your two-year-old to eat their peas. But you also have to be creative in getting your dessert too

Leveling Up: The Most Attractive Aspect of a Man

Dr. NerdLove discusses the number one quality women find attractive in a man, and offers tips for how to increase that factor in your life.

Men spend a lot of time worrying about being more attractive to women. Men tend to feel as though they’re at a disadvantage when it comes to dating and consistently look for the magic bullet that will maximize their efforts. Because of the pervasive belief that sperm is cheap and eggs are expensive – the idea that women grant sexual access only to those who offer the best “value” – they tend to focus on the most obvious aspects of what supposedly makes men attractive: looks and material wealth, with “status” following third.
The problem is that they’re working on the wrong areas and a misunderstanding of just what makes somebody appealing to women. Yeah, good looks can help – nobody denies that being gorgeous doesn’t have an impact on one’s life – but not only is it not the only thing that counts… more often than not it’s not even in the top 5 of what makes a man attractive.
More than looks, more than money, more than whatever nebulous definition you want to give to “value” or “status”, the most attractive aspect of a man, that x-factor that nets him attention, attraction and dates is…
…fun.

Wait, WHAT?

Over the years as I was trying to make my transition from “dateless loser” to “ladies man”, I got to know a wide variety of folks who were good with women. Some were blessed with every advantage – classic good looks, money and charm – while others had to work for their success. And yet there were  a few people in my social circle who could – to put it charitably – punch well outside of their apparent weight class. They were not classically handsome – in fact, many of them were fat and balding. They weren’t “high-status males” with impressive jobs or flashy cars and fancy clothes. They didn’t have useful contacts for the social climbers or the money for those supposedly hypergamous women looking for the next level. They were strictly average dudes… who still managed to date sexy, intelligent, ambitious women.
Their secret was very simple: they were fun to hang around with. If you talked to them, then you were going to enjoy yourself. They knew how to make people feel good. They were genuine interesting people with stories to share and a genuine interest in getting to know the people they talked to. They made friends wherever they went. The bouncers, the bartenders, the waitstaff… they all loved these guys within minutes of meeting them. Everybody knew who they were. Everybody wanted to hang out with them.

Small wonder that they were so consistently successful.
The fact that they were fun to be with was all it took to flip those attraction switches. Being fun, being able to help someone enjoy themselves transcended looks and status. It gave them a notable, long-term advantage over the guys who were all surface and flash, the ones who only had a handful of tricks and routines to rely on and the ones who got by on social pressure and status games.
It took me a while to appreciate just what they had but once I understood, it was like a new world opened up to me. I began to see just how integral being fun was to a successful dating life… and I started to understand how to integrate it into my approach towards women.

“What Do You See In That Guy?” “He Makes Me Laugh”.

It’s a very simple premise: we instinctively like people who make us feel good. The better they make us feel, the more we like them.
It’s known as the Reward Theory of Attraction—we are attracted to people whose presence or behavior makes us feel appreciated and liked. When the feeling of pleasure at a person’s involvement in our lives outweighs the costs (someone who’s fun to hang around with but who causes problems through his behavior, for example) then we tend to be drawn towards that relationship over others. The brain increases dopamine and norepinephirine, which regulates the brain’s pleasure and reward centers. We associate the pleasure with the person and thus want to spend more time in their presence.
This is part of why a sense of humor ranks so highly in every poll about what makes men attractive. Laughter produces endorphins that go straight to the pleasure centers of your brain and relieves physical tension and stress in the muscles making you feel more relaxed. Making you feel good triggers the instincts that tell us that these are people we should like and enforce that feeling with a shot of dopamine.
Many geeks and outcasts learned in high-school that being funny as a means of self-defense; making people laugh helped keep you from getting your ass kicked. Who knew that one day you could turn it around and use those same skills as a part of a way of getting dates?
However, as much as making people feel good makes them like us, there’s more to it.
Someone who is fun tends to be more confident in themselves – after all, it’s hard to be fun when you’re too worried about looking silly or acting childish. Fun people are also positive; excessively negative people suck the energy out of the room and kill the mood while positive people help generate energy. Fun people make others feel comfortable and have a better grasp on how to read people’s signs and moods and can adjust themselves as needed. This makes the difference between someone who’s fun and someone who’s just a clown: fun people can find the line and know when things are appropriate or not while a clown tends to blunder on regardless of mood or intent. Fun people are interesting – they tend to have diverse interests that they enjoy and have stories to share.

Fun as Dating Strategy

This isn’t to say that it’s just a matter of telling a few jokes until you manage to laugh them into bed.
Being fun is a holistic part of dating and attraction—it influences everything about what makes someone attractive.
Once I understood the appeal of fun, I began to recognize how it formed the underpinnings of everything I’d learned up to that point—and how much I had seen it in action over the years. My friend Miles—he who attracts women the way cheese attracts mice—was successful not just because he looked like the bastard son of Hugh Grant and Rob Lowe but because he knew how to be fun. He was naturally outgoing and positive and instinctively understood how to make people feel good, how to feel special. He was a genuinely nice guy who liked to tease and play around with everyone—especially the girls he was attracted to – and they would respond with great enthusiasm.
Take bantering and antagonistic flirting, for example. I enjoy bantering as a means of flirting because it meshes with my personality and it’s a method of screening for the type of  women I am most attracted to. I get a charge from sharp women who enjoy that sort of witty duel-by-wordplay. When done properly, it’s a game of verbal sparring back and forth, matching wits and humor with gentle ribbing and sexually charged teasing… and it’s insanely fun for everyone involved.

…yeah, kind of like that.

Being fun and helping others have fun is a way of keeping dates and potential relationship partners engaged and invested in the relationship. It’s a vital part of the chemistry that helps ensure that not only will she enjoy the first date but that she’ll be interested in coming back for a second… and even a third date. The worst dates aren’t the ones that go badly but the ones that are utterly unremarkable. A bad date can be salvaged after all; a boring date just drains the life out of everyone involved.
Even building sexual tension involves understanding fun. Proper, deliberate sexual tension is like a roller-coaster ride: the deliberate slow build-up of anticipation at the very beginning cresting at the absolute height of almost unbearable frustration and the sudden thrill of the release at juuuuust the right moment. Even little tricks like the “almost-kiss” are built on the idea of fun; it’s unselfconsciously, deliberately cheesy… and yet when delivered properly, it’s silliness is a significant part of it’s appeal. You’re playing a naughty game like a pair of horny teenagers, seeing just how far you can push things before one or both of you simply can’t stand it any longer.
The more that you can bring a sense of fun into your dating life, the more success you will have.

Fun As Social Proof

Much is made about the concept of social proof: the idea that the behavior of others is a model for how one should act. In a social context, a person with social proof—say, a crowd of people around him has been vetted by others; people are responding positively to him, therefore he is someone others should want to get to know and pay attention to. It generates something known as the halo effect—where positive aspects of a person influence others into assuming more positive aspects about them. People like this person, therefor he must be cool.
Pick-up artists often try to manipulate social proof as a way of establishing to others that they’re cool or desirable. This is often managed by trying to be surrounded by attractive women; the effect is to say “These beautiful people find me compelling; clearly they know something you don’t, so you should find me compelling.”
And yet being fun is a simpler and more organic way of generating social proof—without having to rely on status games or trickery. To be fun is to bring legitimate value to an interaction rather than trying to leverage social contracts and often coercive tactics.
Think of it in terms of a party. There’s always those people who are seen as being the life of the party, who tend to have many people hanging around them. These are often (but not always) the most fun people. When people see others hanging around and wanting your attention, others – like that cute brunette you’ve had your eyes on—will naturally gravitate towards you. The fact that others view you as someone to spend time with will help invoke that halo effect that will make you shine even more in other’s eyes.
Even if you’re on the introverted side of the personality spectrum, you can make fun-as-social-proof work for you; it’s a matter of establishing a reputation as much as it is about being seen in the “proper” light. Introverts often work best in one-on-one situations and so can take advantage of the situation by having interesting, intense conversations. Being fun isn’t just about being the entertainer, it’s about how you make others feel.

How To Be Fun

The most obvious way of being fun is to be funny; after all, the appeal of a man with a sense of humor is nearly universal. However, not everybody is going to be a laugh riot, nor is it the only way to be fun.
So what are some other ways of bringing more fun into your dating life?

Pick Offbeat Dates

Everybody’s done dinner and a movie; you want to stand out by taking your date somewhere different. If you can’t be funny yourself, you can always borrow somebody else’s sense of humor for the night and take her to a comedy club or improv performance. If you’re dating a foodie, try signing up for a couple’s cooking class or a wine tasting. You want something different than what she’s used to—novelty helps produce dopamine in the brain, after all.

Explore Your Passions

It can’t be said enough: a person who explores and pursues their passions in life and can communicate them to others are people who are interesting. So many people live day-to-day humdrum lives of boring routines; having passion makes you stand out. It’s an attractive trait, one that women adore because people who are passionate have drive and intensity. They have taken charge of their lives and their enthusiasm carries others along… and that is incredibly fun.

Embrace Your Competitive Side  

There’s nothing quite like a little rivalry to liven things up. The playful smack-talk, the tension when scores are tied, the thrill of victory… these get your hearts pumping, the juices flowing and the senses come alive. Few things are quite as fun – or arousing – as a friendly competition. Bowling, laser tag, mini-golf, go-kart racing, pool… as long as there’s a contest for winner and loser, you’re likely to have fun.

Master The Art of Conversation

The old adage is true: interested is interesting. We love nothing more than a chance to talk about ourselves to an audience that really gets us and wants to know more. All too often we don’t encounter people who actually want to converse so much as people who are waiting for their turn to talk. Being a master conversationalist and utilizing active listening can lead to long, deep and in-depth discussions about life, the universe and everything… and make you both feel as though you’ve known each other for years instead of hours.

Collect Stories

Just as few people have passion in their lives, few people are interested in finding new experiences. Sometimes it’s worth going out and doing things just because you know there will be a story involved at the end. Take some chances and try things you’ve never done before… and build that bond between the two of you by experiencing them together. Whether it’s exploring your city without a map or a plan and just letting whim guide you, signing up for a beginner’s line-dancing session, going geocaching or even an impromptu picnic out under a blanket of shooting stars, you should make a point of finding exciting new opportunities for escapades and exploits. Sharing these new and awesome adventures will be more fun than you could ever imagine… and bring you closer together than you ever dreamed.

Sharing Your Sexual Fantasies

Dr. Adam Sheck identifies common roadblocks couples encounter when trying to build passion, and offers solutions to move past them.

My work is about helping couples who are committed and really love each other to restore and reignite their passion. There are many reasons why a couple’s passion fades, and of course each couple is different. There is no cookie cutter solution that fits everyone.
One of the challenges is that over time many couples have lost some of their spontaneity, some of their imagination and they become a little more reserved and guarded with each other. They stop (or perhaps have never started) sharing their sexual fantasies with each other. They have many reasons for this, which I will address later in this article.
Sharing, exploring and acting out your fantasies is a really important part of keeping the passion alive in a long-term relationship. Once the newness of a relationship wears off, once the novelty has passed, we begin to move out of that “honeymoon” stage.
Biologically, we are novelty-seeking creatures. From an evolutionary psychology standpoint, being interested in a wide, diverse gene pool is good for the survival of the species.
For the survival of the relationship, however, we must take steps to stay passionate and aroused about our long-term partner. We must create a fresh relationship each day. Part of that is to share our fantasies, our imagination, our longings and our desires with our partner. Doing this means we can stay with the same partner but have the relationship feel new.
So, what are the blocks to sharing our fantasies? Really, they fall into three categories:
1. I don’t know what my fantasies are.
2. I have shame and self-judgment over the fantasies that I AM aware of.
3. I’m afraid that my partner will have judgment over the fantasies that I am aware of.
The key to sharing your fantasies with your partner is to overcome each of these three categories of block. They are interconnected, but I’ll address each one separately. Be aware of the fact that this is a process, and as one block begins to crumble, the others may also become less restricting.
The first block of “not knowing” is more accurately “not connecting” to your fantasies. They are inside your psyche, whether you are fully conscious of them or not. I encourage you to set up a time and place where you can be alone. Play the music that will set the tone, light the candle or spray the scent that will take you there, adjust the lighting. Set the mood to call forth your fantasies into your awareness.
And literally, that is exactly what you will be doing, calling them forth. Say it to yourself, write it down, say it out loud or, even, into an audio recorder: “I wish to become aware of my sexual fantasies.” Take a deep breath, hold it for a moment and then release it.
Repeat this a few times. And say again, “I wish to become aware of my sexual fantasies.” And begin to write or speak. Write or speak WHATEVER enters your mind. Don’t censor yourself! No one but you will ever see or hear this, until YOU are ready to share your fantasies. Let yourself go!
You are “priming the pump” of your unconscious. Some of you will be able to connect to your fantasies on the first try; most will have to repeat the process a few times before achieving the desired result. And, don’t be surprised if a fantasy pops into your head at a later time “spontaneously.” You’ve planted the seeds and they will grow in their own time, perhaps while you’re taking a bath, perhaps while you’re driving somewhere. They WILL show up though, I promise.
The second block to sharing your sexual fantasies is about shame and self-judgment. There is no quick fix for this, as we all have internalized various degrees of judgment and criticism around sexuality, mainly from our early childhood and adolescent experiences. I would suggest for now that you create three positive affirmations about your sexuality that you repeat to yourself out loud five times each, twice each day.
Examples could be:
“I am a sexual being with healthy needs and desires.”
“Knowing my sexual fantasies is a sign of self-knowledge and self-love.”
“Sharing my fantasies is a sign of intimacy and love.”
The third block is that you fear how your partner will react when you share your fantasies. For the most part, my experience in working with couples over the last twenty years is that your partner will be relieved and excited that you share your fantasies with them. It then becomes about communicating and understanding on both of your parts, and co-creating a way to make the fantasies come true. Again, you can prepare YOURSELF to overcome this block with affirmations that remind you that you have a loving partner and to give them the benefit of the doubt in embracing your fantasies.
Examples could be:
“I have a loving partner who accepts and loves me unconditionally.”
“I am with a partner who wants to share the deepest intimacy with me.”
“I have a loving partner who desires to fulfill my fantasies.”
AND, sometimes your partner just won’t be able to embrace your fantasy and go for it.  Please don’t take it personally, just suggest another fantasy.  You’re in it for the long haul and they might just be open and receptive another day!

♦◊♦

30 Day Challenge To Share Your Fantasies:

If you’d REALLY like to use the information in this article, to have more passion in your relationship I invite you to take the following 30 Day Challenge:

Right now (or within the next 24 hours at the lastest), I want you to:

Sit down alone in a quiet, sensual atmosphere and fully imagine your fantasy. Write down as many of the details as you can. If writing isn’t your thing, you can speak it into an audio recorder or your smartphone.

Within 7 days I want you to:

Practice the affirmations recommended to deal with the second and third blocks. Begin to prepare whatever “ingredients” you will need for your fantasy including clothing, “equipment,” and location. Share with your partner that sometime in the next 30 days, he/she will need to reserve time and romantic energy for you to share and live out your fantasy together.

Within 30 days I want you to:

Share and act out your fantasy with your partner. AND, share the above keys with your partner, so that you can act out his/her fantasy this month!
I hope that this article has been helpful in giving you some tools to share your fantasies, and that you will take this challenge. For those of you that need additional help, I offer tele-coaching programs for couples as well as for the individual partners in a couple, to help bring back the passion to your relationship.

My Wife is Attracted to Black Guys, and I’m White

Eli and Josie help a couple figure out whether or not it matters that she’s attracted to Black men, when she’s married to a White guy.

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Author’s note: We’re not sure if these questions are related (in the same household) or not, but they came to our inbox around the same time, so we thought we’d answer them as a unit. If they are a pair, then hopefully we can help to begin a dialogue between the questioners. If not, that’s okay. Everyone else gets a SSHS 2-for-1 special!

Dear Sexes(#1): I have been married to my wife for 24 years. I have noticed for a few years that she seems to be attracted to big black guys and goes out of her way to talk to them. Should I be worried? 
Dear Sexes (#2): I am a married white woman, and I have a strong desire to have sex with a black man. Not sure why, and if I should go for it or not.  
She Said: First, to the husband in question #1 – Everyone has a fantasy life. It’s hard to tell from these questions whether your wife has expressed this attraction verbally or if you’ve just noticed it on your own. If it’s something you have a hunch about, it could be that you’re being hypersensitive to the issue. For instance, if she had the same conversation with a white dude, you may not even notice because of the fact that he’s like you.
But when she talks to Black guys, you take note because you think to yourself, “He’s not like me. Maybe she wants someone who’s not like me.” Or maybe one time she was chatting with a Black guy, and you felt somewhat insecure about it, and then after that you may have created confirmation bias toward her being more friendly with Black guys.
I think the first step for you, sir, is to try to really step back and examine the possibility that you may be seeing this “attraction” simply because you’re afraid of it. It may not be there at all.
And if you’re afraid of it, that doesn’t necessarily make you racist. It probably feeds more into the fact that you want her to want you—and for her “type” to be a match to what you have to offer.
Regardless, this seems like an issue of security in your marriage, and I would suggest seeing a trusted professional to talk things through. If she’s unsatisfied for any reason, it’s better to know now so you can figure out how to repair that. If you’re having issues of jealousy or insecurity, you gotta figure that out, too.
Now, on to the wife in question #2. Remember that thinking Black guys are hot is normal. Black guys are hot. So are white guys, Latino guys, Asian guys, Inuit guys, First Nation guys, Eastern European guys, Middle Eastern guys, Indian guys, South American guys, West African guys, any nationality I haven’t covered… You catch my drift. If you like guys, then guys are hot!
Of course we all have features we’re more attracted to, and sometimes skin color or other features are captured in these preferences. But you were attracted to your husband once, and so we’re not going to rule him out.
This may be a case of putting too much mojo on a feeling because somehow it seems important, when it really may not be. To find another guy attractive when you’re married is normal. To find a number of other guys attractive is normal. (Of course, it’s also totally okay if someone who’s married isn’t attracted to other people, too.) I know you probably think it’s not in this case, due to the fact that he’s of a different race than your husband, but remember that Black men are MEN. It’s weird how, in our society, we’re still carrying forth racist themes from hundreds of years ago that mythologize the hyper-sexual Black man. Most of the time we don’t even know we’re doing it, but it’s very present.
The truth is, guys are guys. There will be some you’re attracted to, some you’re not. There will be some Black men that you could potentially fall in love with and some that you would hate. The same will be true for white men.
In other words, your desire to be with another guy has less to do with his race, and probably more to do with issues in your marriage.
And unless you’re in a polyamorous or otherwise open marriage, then NO I do not think you should “go for it”. Emphatically.
If you are in an open relationship, just remember to be honest and honor the commitments you’ve made to your husband.
He Said: #1, What makes you so concerned, if your wife is just talking to these men? Are you not black? Are you not big? Do you think she’s developing a “type” of man that’s totally different from you? Maybe these men exhibit a behavior or personality trait that your wife finds intriguing. Again, if she’s just talking to them, try not to lose too much sleep over it. Is she flirting (in front of you) with these guys?
Regardless of any of these answers, I recommend you concentrate on strengthening the connection between you and your wife—emotionally, physically, etc…  Even if things are good now, there’s always room for improvement. And ultimately, if the bond between you is strong, nothing can threaten that—not even big Black men. Kidding, kidding.
#2, In this case, once you go Black, you never go back… to being married. If your marriage is based on monogamy, then it’s irrelevant what type of guy you’d be sleeping with, only that he’s not your spouse.
If you have strong desires to sleep with someone else, you’ve got to ask yourself why? What are you gaining that you don’t have with your current partner? Are there elements of your current marriage that are lacking, or need working on? Remember, your spouse is your life partner, so communicate your concerns and desires. You may be looking outward for new experiences, because things are not going exactly the way you want with your spouse.
Work with each other, and you may be (pleasantly) surprised by the results. Now, if your marriage is not a monogamous one, don’t sweat your desires. Just let your spouse know your plan. As long as it’s clearly okay with both of you, you should be able to quench your thirsts with a man of any color you choose!  Just remember, to practice safe quenching.